Midnight Musings

31st December, 2008:
I am back home (rather early) from Church. I am still sitting in my New-Year-Mass-Church-Clothes, sipping wine, daintily nibbling on plum cake, feeling very chic and lady-like as I furiously type and re-type my thoughts... There’s a good 40 minutes to herald the new-year and I am riding the emotional roller-coaster...

I feel disappointed that I will be home alone, again, with my parents asleep & brother watching TV. I feel somewhat frustrated for not being at some party yelling over the LOUD music to talk to my friends and screaming TEN, NINE... counting down last few seconds of the old year. And, in an instant, the disappointment & frustration fades away, and I, realise, that I’m simply acting like a spoilt child who wants a new toy, not because she needs it, but because all her friends have it... Feeling mature and enlightened, I squash the irrational sadness... Good for me!

I feel defiant, as I ignore the sounds of the TV (watching TV to celebrate New Year is decidedly LAME) & strains of trance from the terrace party in the building. I feel liberated as I sit here writing this, impervious to the sights and sounds around me, still dressed in my pretty pink dress and super-high heels, silently protesting against the injustice around me - my family, already fast asleep, television’s uninspiring “New Year Specials” featuring wannabe stars and upstarts and have-beens; parties featuring drunken people and deafening music. 

I feel oddly excited at the prospect of a new beginning, and instantly I feel irritated for falling for that cliché... I mean, what’s so new about the New Year anyway?? The day will begin in exactly the same way it has this past year and the year before that and the year before that and you get the picture. People around me are not going to change overnight either (sure, some may be stupid and sick from the previous night’s drunkenness but they’ll get over that in a few hours!) The politicians will be just as corrupt, the trains will be equally crowded, and my parents fussy as always... So, basically, life as I know it will go on... What will change is the date on the calendar and even as far as the date goes, it takes me at least a good 2 weeks to get used to writing the “new year” in the date... So, where, I demand to know, is the NEWNESS to this all???

I feel terribly nostalgic... Looking back at the year gone by, I realise, with much satisfaction, that it has been a year of happy change and many firsts! Okay, flashback:Last year the newness of the new year, set in only in June, after almost half a year had past, when I went back to my old office to work on “Asia’s FIRST ever event of its kind in the world of finance!” Then, I later won my FIRST ever national award, and had my FIRST ever interview on national TV and my FIRST ever pictures in the newspapers, posing gleefully with my shiny trophy.
And, for the FIRST (and maybe the last) time ever in my life, I worked up the courage to make the “FIRST move” with a cutie-pie firang... (Unfortunately, things fizzled out after a while depriving me of my FIRST ever boy-friend story!).
I learnt to eat with chopsticks (and I would gloat about trying sushi for the FIRST time, but some may argue that since the crab meat was cooked it wasn’t authentic SUSHI...Well, whatever...)
I wore BLACK nail polish for the FIRST time ever, much to the amusement of some, shock of others and surprisingly, My MOTHER said it actually looked good! Go figure!
AND I had a whole glass of alcohol for the FIRST time ever. (Note: I have had wine before, in glasses meant for Tequila Shots, but I do NOT consider wine as “alcohol”, it’s good for the heart and all). And for those of you, who are frowning and shaking your heads with displeasure, let me explain why I felt compelled to resort to Fosters (Aus-trra-lee-yan for Beer). It was a family get-together hosted at my place and the conversation at the “party” included nagging (targeted at yours truly of course! About, well, I lost track - everything, I guess); passive aggressive remarks, lame jokes (meant mostly to hide discomfort, I suppose) and many half-hearted hmmms & hmpfs. So, with the nerve-wracking, strained atmosphere making me feel pathetic, I decided to test the sorrow-drowning-powers of alcohol and desperately poured myself my first glass of beer. My mother was shocked that I was having my first glass of BEER & my aunt was surprised that this was my FIRST glass of beer! But, it worked because after a while I was wrapped in a comfortable cloud of fuzziness that absorbed the jeers and nagging and sad humour. And, thanks to my little adventure with alcohol (one small glass of wine followed by one medium sized glass of beer) I had my FIRST ever brush with ALMOST-Drunkenness...
But the best part about last year, FRIENDS – I made some new ones, stayed in touch with ALL the old ones, got back in touch with some long lost ones, celebrated as 3 of them got married...
Okay, back to present day:
It is now almost 2 hours into the New Year... and my spirits are buoyed, partly because of the wine and partly because I spoke to many of my friends who, like me are also at home BUT unlike me are sleepy! (Hah!) I have changed out of my party clothes (gosh! Those heels were killing me!). The raucous building party seems to have ended or at least the music has stopped, and I have danced my little jig to “celebrate the new year” too. Now it’s just me, and my laptop that is softly humming some happy songs.
And, all I can think of is the profound statement muttered by one sleepy friend – “People don’t realise they can have fun without excuses”. And that is so true, I realise, contemplating my “Year of Many FIRSTS” that has just recently become a part of history... It is funny how we look for reasons to enjoy – “Let’s go for a movie coz the exams are over”, “We’ll celebrate AFTER the presentation”, “Party? Let me land a job, though!”
My year – the one of black nail polish and beer, of first moves and friends, of long conversations that run into almost the next morning and learning to eat with chopsticks – has been a series of happy memories where I enjoyed (in the company of friends and sometimes, even alone), not feeling the need to justify why I was celebrating, simply being impulsive, living in the moment. My year has been a happy one because I had “fun without making excuses”. Know what I mean??
Well, Happy New Year anyway!

How I Overcame Being a Monophobic!

I shopped alone... I SHOPPED alone... I shopped ALONE...

Well, what is the big deal, you ask?? Well, maybe it’s no big deal for you... But for me it is... You see, I had this thing against being alone; I craved company... Even if it was just to go across the street to pick up groceries, I would take along my phone and speed-dial my best friend. It didn’t matter that the conversation ended even before it began... 

I hated being alone 

And I could never figure out people who ate out in restaurants alone or shopped alone or watched movies in theatres alone. “Something has to be wrong with them” is what I thought... But, the weirdness lay not in them but in me... And my first ever flashback post (I am greatly inspired by How I Met Your Mother!) will tell you how I became and overcame being a MONOPHOBIC! True Story...

Well kids, my father seldom lectures – he simply bundles up all of his opinions & lessons in a single saying that leaves you feeling ashamed & enlightened at the same time. For instance, when I was a kid, instead of nagging at me to study, he would merely stare down at me from his 6 ft 2 inch elevation and say, “those who want by the yard, but try by the inch should be kicked by the foot.” Of course, then I was too young to truly appreciate the pun and obviously it did not have the desired effect. At the time, I would usually just dissolve into giggling fits that disturbed my insufferably studious younger brother, thus inviting my mother’s nagging!

BUT, there was one such “truism” that my father once very wisely told me when I complained to him about being bored. He bent his long neck to stare down at me and maybe he smiled (but the moustache hid it!) and said, “One who is bored in one’s own company is boring in the company of others”.

Well, from that day forward, I did all in my power to avoid being bored... I did not dare utter the words, “I’m bored” EVER, let alone in the presence of my father, for fear of being perceived as uninteresting.

I tried to wipe out that phrase from my memory... If it ever crept into my mind, I would run to find my friends. Failing that, I would bug my brother and after being nagged against doing so, I would find my Books to read or diary to write in. And after my parents were safely out of earshot or asleep, I would sneak up to the telephone and talk! BUT in my bid to remain un-boring I had turned into someone who was afraid of being alone, afraid that I would be bored in my own company, afraid that I would turn into a boring old lady with cats who kids laughed at and grown-ups avoided... And, I couldn’t let that happen – after all I hate cats!

Well, what can I say? I’d become a MONOPHOBIC – basically, a person with an abnormal fear of being alone... Well, I wasn’t that far beyond help to become a case study in psychology, but one fateful day I realised that if I did not check this “craving for company” then I would probably need medication for this condition called “being pathetic”... This is what happened on the day, realisation hit me...

I was about to step out to begin my journey around the city. I had a pretty long list of errands to finish for my family... I was all dressed up and I was all alone. Well, being alone was not for a lack of trying... I did all I could... I called every friend and relative whose number I had in my contact list and at the end of half a day I was left with an expensive phone bill, no company and many handy excuses –
“I have work”;
“I have college”;
“I have other plans”;
“I can’t get out of the meeting – Boss’s orders”;
“I can’t get out of the house – Mom’s orders”;
“I can’t get out of the bed – Doctor’s orders”;

“I’m not in the mood”;
“I’m not in the city”;
“Sorry! Wrong Number...”


Oh well, I would just have to face this big bad world on my own then... I would just have to fight my demons and I checked to see if I had my weapons to aid in my battle against my fears... I peered into my large, overstuffed bag...My phone, fully charged; My Novel, newly purchased; my iPod, recently updated and also charged; 3 bars of chocolate; Notebook and pen – Check!

Well, I was armed and ready and out I stepped... And, no sooner had I done that, than I was attacked by a rather strong army of aloneness... So, out came my shield and sword, my iPod and phone, all set to bravely attack the soldiers of loneliness. I spoke on the phone, with no care for the ever increasing bill, with no fear of mother’s nagging when she saw it and with no heed to what my father might wisely utter while paying it! I spoke on my phone to each of those people who had given me those pathetic excuses. I spoke on the phone and listened to music while walking on the road and waiting in queues and getting squashed in trains... I spoke on the phone and listened to music till the battery of both laid down their lives and died! Then, I beat a hasty retreat into the fantasy world to escape the warriors of boredom who were slowly gaining on me... And I read not removing my eyes from the book until my whole body hurt from a series of bumps into people and trees, narrowly missing falling into a pothole, almost stepping onto a dog, and nearly walking into an auto rickshaw... That is when I finally put aside my book and that is when reality hit me...

With my defences spent, I realised what a sorry figure I cut. My clothes were crumpled from the bumping and pushing and travelling, my hair was a mess, my body aching from the day-long running around, my posture bent and tired... I was trying too hard to escape being alone... I was trying to escape ME, I thought to myself... People around me were travelling alone, eating alone, shopping alone and I even spied a well-dressed man TALKING alone... Well, being alone can’t be so bad can it, I considered... I mean, if others can, I should be able to do it too... And so I did...

I stopped trying hard to be un-alone... I looked around, taking in the sights and sounds of this city I call home, I smiled at passers-by and exchanged a few words with co-travellers, and I enjoyed the view as I travelled back home... And I realised being bored had nothing to do with being alone...

And since that day, I have discovered the many joys of being alone... Alone at home, I can do as I please – sleep as late as I like, eat chocolates for breakfast and cake for lunch, play music so loud that I can’t hear the doorbell, dance or hop or sing or shout – It is the bestest thing ever!

And my favourite kind of walk is the one I take with my books and iPod... No! No! It’s different this time... Here, I walk to my library with my books in an environmentally friendly jute bag and my iPod, playing soft music, for company... I take in the scenery as I walk – the trees, the quaint Church, the river. (And for those of you, who think it’s nothing but an oversized sewer, go for a walk alone and take along your imagination and leave behind for judgemental ways!)

And the ultimate achievement, of course, has been the fact that I SHOPPED ALONE...! Alone – with no one to ask for an opinion, with no extra pair of eyes looking out for goodies, with no disapproving looks or appreciative glances. I shopped alone and I loved every moment of it...

Freaks-of-nature-who-eat-and-shop-and-watch-movies-in-theatres­-alone... I am one of you now! Rejoice!

Six Degrees of Separation

Did you know that if you stood a step away from all the people you know and they in turn did the same and the sequence continued, then you would be at most 6 steps away from EVERY SINGLE PERSON on EARTH...? Of course, for all practical purposes this theory has not been tested, so we’ll never know its veracity for sure. But, nonetheless, it is a theory that has never ceased to fascinate me...

Six degrees of separation... Imagine that!

It is no wonder then that at the most unexpected (and sometimes unfortunate) moments you run right into someone who knows you... or worse still is a friend of your mother!!
Think about the times when...

... You complained about an aunt’s nasty habit of gossiping and you turned around to find her glaring right at you... No points for guessing who the target of the next malicious rumour will be!

... You cribbed about how bad the food was, the day AFTER the party, only to find out that the person you’ve been cribbing to is the host’s sister... Well, you won’t be on another invite list for a while, but at least that will save you from dangerous cooking!

... You bitched about a classmate only to realise that she is sitting right beside you... You definitely won’t be exchanging cards over Christmas!

My story, well, THAT could be potentially more detrimental than these... And, for those of you concerned for my well-being, here’s the story...

I am in the train... I am with my best pal and we are both bursting with news... Gossip and girl talk... What better place than the Ladies Compartment, right?! (Or, so I thought!)

My friend begins... Juicy gossip first...
“Guess who broke-up... Oh, and... Guess who just got engaged... AND! You will never guess who still HASN’T found a guy... I mean, come on, her parents have been looking out for an eligible bachelor FOREVER!!”

And then, she smiles wickedly and lets me in on her story... She has a secret admirer. His only identity – his 10 digit phone number. And they flirt over SMS!! Naughty!!
She shows me a few of the messages which bring back some funny memories of my own. I warn her, like a good friend should, “Stay away! He reminds me of McCheesy!!”

And, now it’s my turn... I smile demurely...
“I talked to HIM for about 2 hours... And it was a GOOD conversation... But, we’re Just Good Friends! Well, I said... and then he said... and then I said, “It was disapPONTING that Australia lost the match”... And he thought the joke was funny...!!” (Dreamy sigh)

And, at that instant my friend needed a tissue. (No, not to wipe her tears at my sweet love story, but to wipe her chocolate-stained hands.) So, I dutifully fish for tissues in my seemingly-small-but-surprisingly-large hand bag... And, then I thoughtfully also dig out my hand-sanitizer... My friend, in the meanwhile, spies my new perfume and asks to try it... And as I pull out the bottle, the lady opposite me comments, “You have EVERYTHING in that bag don’t you...?!” And, as I fake-smile at her, I think to myself, “This woman sure is nosy!”

Undeterred, she goes on... “Are you by ANY chance so-and-so’s daughter?”
I am mortified, and embarrassed, and bewildered, and shocked, and stunned, and astounded and amazed, and SPEECHLESS...
Slowly, I reply, “Yes, I am!” and think... “Oh! Sweet Lord! I wonder how much she has heard... WHO is this nosy woman... AND how on earth does she know ME... More importantly she knows MY MOTHER???!!!”

My latter doubts were cleared as she offered me explanations... But I don’t think I will ever know the answer to my first question. I hope I NEVER have to find out...

Well, don’t worry, my disbelief and embarrassment did not last very long... As soon as I had gotten off the train (and away from “Aunty”), I found the whole situation quite hilarious... And, I couldn’t stop laughing till I reached home.
I even greeted my mum with a silly grin as I entered... When she asked me the reason, I thought it best to tell her... Of course she received lesser details than even what I have revealed in this post!
I expected an outburst... “Hai Daiyya! Log kya sochenge... Kalmoohi, Namakool... Tumne hamare khandaan ka naam mitti mein mila diya...”

But none came... She seemed to have gotten over it quite quickly and seemed to be more interested in the colour of “Aunty’s” saree and the number of bangles she had worn...
Well, I was lucky... You might not be... So, true or not, it would do you good to remember “Six Degrees of Separation”.

Beware!!

A Reflection of the Real You...

The sparkling twinkle your mirth does reveal
And your anger in the gaze as cold as steel

The closed, drawn look mirrors your fears
And sorrow reflects in the hint of tears

The earnest look lets your sincerity shine through
And when you look away, your lies are evident too

With every look you draw inspiration
Memorising images that fuel your imagination

And when, at the horizon, you dreamily stare
You envision your future, send out a silent prayer

Your emotions, wishes and worries clear for all to see
Through this window to your soul
Because a reflection of the real you lies
in the never ending depth of your eyes...

Carpe Diem - Seize the Day!

These are rules I hope I am strong enough to live by:

Take a chance
Try a whirlwind romance,
Learn a new recipe, language, dance...

Make a difficult choice,
Listen to your inner voice,
Let your hair loose, have fun, make some noise!

Do something new
Talk, listen, discuss, argue
Change your point of view

From the beaten path walk astray
Explore the little known, scenic way

Take a risk,
Life doesn’t always offer a quick fix...

Get a little crazy, do something unwise,
Drop that sensible guise,
Carpe Diem, Live Life King Size!!!

P.S.
Yeh world hai na world, is mein do tarah le log hote hai, ek woh jo saari zindagi mein ek hi kaam karte hai, aur doosre woh jo ek hi zindagi mein saare kaam kar dete hai...

Lines (from a movie, of course!) that made me realise that there is much more to life beyond the routine, words that inspired me to break free of the monotony, thoughts that made me aspire to LIVE my life... A dialogue that, at the time, inspired me to enthusiastically start off on yet another rhyme-spree...

Ironic as it maybe, this poem was left incomplete and almost forgotten, until I read the post of a fellow blogger and close friend. I suddenly recollected my unfinished verse as I commented on the well written, thoughtful post and I quote a favourite saying of mine -
“When you look back on your life, you will not regret the things that you did, but the things you did not do.”

And as I ended my comment with the words “Carpe Diem”, I knew I had to finish the poem... And so I did, so I might have no regrets... :-)