Unspoken Escape

I can't use clichés. Not when I'm spilling unspoken thoughts and feelings. 

So, no, I won't tell you that you complete me. You don't. My life's fuller and more complicated than that. You're not the only missing piece. You may not even be a piece in my jigsaw. 

I won't even tell you that I love the person I am when I'm with you. Because, sometimes, even you may hate the person I become when I’m with you. You can bring out the worst in me just as easily as you bring out the best. 

I won't tell you that you get me and understand me the best. There are other people who have known me longer and know me better. You know only one side of me and my other facets could leave you flummoxed. But discovery and surprise is what will make our journey fun, right? 

I won't use songs to describe how I feel. I won't say you make me feel like a teenage dream, though, you really do. Or, that I love you like a love song, though, I probably do! I won't say those words because those words aren't mine and they weren't written for you. 

I'd tell you instead that you have taken up permanent residence in my head! Signs start appearing in the mundane - I spot your name everywhere. And, I tell myself that it's a nudge from the universe, trying to subtly tell me that I was meant to find you & end up with you around no matter which road I take. Everything reminds me of you - innocuous signboards, songs you may like, food that I know you hate, dialogues on sitcoms that you'd appreciate, everyday stuff I could recount to you, earning a few laughs. 

Ah, the sound of your laughter - it fills me with so much satisfaction knowing that I have the power to produce those hearty, genuine, real reactions from you!

And, the music! Oh, the music! I can't listen to a song now without thinking about you. It's either a song you've introduced to me or one that you told me you hate, the one from that band whose history you recited to me when you were drunk or that one whose lyrics I passionately deciphered for you, something you sang to me once or those in which I see my myriad feelings for you reflected or something we listened together, unspeaking, unthinking, lost but together.

You're not my "best friend", not even close! I can't talk to you about everything. Not yet, anyway. But, in my unbiased, unclouded judgment, I think you could be that person. I love talking to you - our conversations are an exciting rollercoaster. You can drive me up the wall & then have me rolling on the floor with laughter within seconds.

I love how I don't want to be a better person around you; a different person. How I don't have to try. Because I know you take me with all the good, the bad & the ugly. You take the weird, the idiosyncratic, the absurd & the bat-shit crazy stuff and come back with some of your own crap in equal measure! And, we each put up with the other. And, when we can't take it anymore, I know I can count on us having one of our can’t-remember-why-we're-arguing-at-all fights.

I know I'd like to give you a chance. Give US a chance. Really, I would. 

I'm not scared of you; of getting close to you; of gradually opening my heart and head to the risk of you breaking me, hurting me.

So, you see, I have the words; all the exact words. So, when everyone around me advices me to "just tell him" how I feel - it isn't because I don’t know how. I know the words. I just don't know if you're worth my words. If despite all this, I'll get more than stunned silence in return from you. 

I'm tired of the signs I’m getting from the universe. Why don't YOU give me a sign? Why won't you just go on and turn that faucet that will allow my words to flow, to escape. Go on, take the first step.