Our Life could be full of music...

... A continuous background score to the story of our lives together.

A lyrical alarm to awaken us from a night spent wrapped in the cover of our limbs; a peppy number that eggs us on to get through the day, like breakfast for our souls.

Our favourite songs will play on the car stereo as we drive to work. And, the one belting out as you drop me off with a kiss &; a wave will play in my head all day long as I try to finish work knowing you'll be back soon.

Photo Courtesy: Kumar Jhuremalani

A melancholy tune for the times we're sad. An angry one for the times we fight; a soft serenade as we kiss and make-up; and, for all the moments in between, a blissful melody.

Even in our silence, music will speak to us.

Unspoken Escape

I can't use clichés. Not when I'm spilling unspoken thoughts and feelings. 

So, no, I won't tell you that you complete me. You don't. My life's fuller and more complicated than that. You're not the only missing piece. You may not even be a piece in my jigsaw. 

I won't even tell you that I love the person I am when I'm with you. Because, sometimes, even you may hate the person I become when I’m with you. You can bring out the worst in me just as easily as you bring out the best. 

I won't tell you that you get me and understand me the best. There are other people who have known me longer and know me better. You know only one side of me and my other facets could leave you flummoxed. But discovery and surprise is what will make our journey fun, right? 

I won't use songs to describe how I feel. I won't say you make me feel like a teenage dream, though, you really do. Or, that I love you like a love song, though, I probably do! I won't say those words because those words aren't mine and they weren't written for you. 

I'd tell you instead that you have taken up permanent residence in my head! Signs start appearing in the mundane - I spot your name everywhere. And, I tell myself that it's a nudge from the universe, trying to subtly tell me that I was meant to find you & end up with you around no matter which road I take. Everything reminds me of you - innocuous signboards, songs you may like, food that I know you hate, dialogues on sitcoms that you'd appreciate, everyday stuff I could recount to you, earning a few laughs. 

Ah, the sound of your laughter - it fills me with so much satisfaction knowing that I have the power to produce those hearty, genuine, real reactions from you!

And, the music! Oh, the music! I can't listen to a song now without thinking about you. It's either a song you've introduced to me or one that you told me you hate, the one from that band whose history you recited to me when you were drunk or that one whose lyrics I passionately deciphered for you, something you sang to me once or those in which I see my myriad feelings for you reflected or something we listened together, unspeaking, unthinking, lost but together.

You're not my "best friend", not even close! I can't talk to you about everything. Not yet, anyway. But, in my unbiased, unclouded judgment, I think you could be that person. I love talking to you - our conversations are an exciting rollercoaster. You can drive me up the wall & then have me rolling on the floor with laughter within seconds.

I love how I don't want to be a better person around you; a different person. How I don't have to try. Because I know you take me with all the good, the bad & the ugly. You take the weird, the idiosyncratic, the absurd & the bat-shit crazy stuff and come back with some of your own crap in equal measure! And, we each put up with the other. And, when we can't take it anymore, I know I can count on us having one of our can’t-remember-why-we're-arguing-at-all fights.

I know I'd like to give you a chance. Give US a chance. Really, I would. 

I'm not scared of you; of getting close to you; of gradually opening my heart and head to the risk of you breaking me, hurting me.

So, you see, I have the words; all the exact words. So, when everyone around me advices me to "just tell him" how I feel - it isn't because I don’t know how. I know the words. I just don't know if you're worth my words. If despite all this, I'll get more than stunned silence in return from you. 

I'm tired of the signs I’m getting from the universe. Why don't YOU give me a sign? Why won't you just go on and turn that faucet that will allow my words to flow, to escape. Go on, take the first step.

Shadows

Shuttling through

darkness

no light at the end of this tunnel

yet

hurtling past destinations

blurred images of the past

Destined to be left behind

Memories at Goa's Sinquerim beach

Unknown faces stare out

and when the train slows

they come knocking at the window

a flicker of recognition dawns

looking into their eyes,

reflections of the persons they were once

shadows of old friends

Familiar places

stop by her door

garishly lit

meant to be inviting

but only serving to highlight

the messy roads

littered with rags of ragged memories

Surrendering to

the warm web of words

from the unturned page of the novel

and woven from strains

of a melancholy song

tired of singing its happy tune

over and over again

Not alone in her journey

but surely lonely

distracted by a fancy story telling

lost in the same singular song

creating a cocoon

a safe soundless haven

body heading home

mind escaping to a fantasy

Tomorrow is different

waking up from an unreal reality

to life

that rarely travels in a line

she will try to move off the beaten track

but she will soon make her way back

on life's circular track

this time she may wave back at the staring faces in the window

Ghosts of her past

A hidden key, a rusty lock,
Unused and abandoned,
But still right where she had left them,
Just like the ghosts of her past

A withered flower
Hidden betwixt pages
Of a dog-eared diary
On which were scribbled words
Describing emotions she could no longer summon

A colorless picture
In a worn out frame
Hanging on a faded wall
Captured in a candid moment
A recollection she would rather forget

A clock, now, quite dead
Upon a mantlepiece
Its quiet digits betraying a time
Outside her memory
Its life had continued without her

A few words of love
In a yellow letter
With a hint of romance
The resilient prose had stayed,
Keeping the promise their maker had disregarded

A solitary teardrop
A lonely descent
That disturbed the dust
Which had rearranged itself
To cover bygone tracks

Imprints of a home that once was
Tell-tale signs in obscure corners
Of a life that once was
The forlorn room
Lit by the rays escaping through the broken window

Shattered panes
Shards of glass
Held together by each other
She dared not move them lest they cut her
Instead she smiled at it and a million reflections smiled back
Just like the ghosts of her past!

Life behind purple tinted glasses

In that moment her sunglasses were her best friends.
Tainted emotions that on her heart heavily weighed,
That her treacherous eyes betrayed
Behind purple tinted glasses lay entrapped.

Only hidden, not overcome
Out of sight but choking her mind
Escaping the only way they could find
Through soft tears that hard frames couldn't stop

She freed her hair from its rigid restraints
And she let the wind blow them all out of place
Hoping it would hide her streaked face
As the hurt and pain also fled their confines

He glanced at her in the rearview mirror
And he spied the tears through the futile disguises
And briefly he wondered at what her past comprises
But the mirror could only reflect her tears, not their cause

He realised it wasn't his place to judge or cure,
His only duty was to drive
And hope that she would survive
So he didn't ask why or where but just focused on the road ahead...

Fool for you!

Oh! What woe we cause ourselves
Over finding love that is forever and true
We fret and fawn, meddle and moan,
Turn into varied shades of red,green and blue!

For every time we meet a boy
Who is gentle as the moon
And bright as the sun
Our heart goes into a swoon
And our mind screams "He's THE ONE"

Every good deed is magnified
And flaws (if any) are vilified
Hellbent on discovering our soulmate in disguise
We turn to our superpower to over-analyse

"He maybe jobless
and without a wage
But he's trying so hard
to turn a new page
He's so smart
and his thoughts so sage
But he looks so boyish
like he's just out of college
What, oh, what must be his age?"

"There's this guy on my mind
as I write a sappy ditty
Gasp! He hates Titanic,
only the-greatest-love-story-EVER! The tragedy! The pity!
But he makes me laugh more than F.R.I.E.N.D.S,
Sigh.. he's so charming and he's sooo witty
I think I may have a crush on him
(But just itty-bitty)
So what if he's from another city?!"

"He's just so perfect, he's just sooo right.
We're so good together we just can't fight
He's so talented, he can even cook
Whipped up a gourmet meal and fed it to me by candlelight
Then he strummed his guitar, sang me a song he'd written
Sigh! what a wonderfully romantic night...
But this was 8 hours ago,
should I call him or wait? Oh what a terrible plight!"

"So he's the love of my life but it's complicated
And he's unlike any other guy
He notices things & remembers stuff
He's kind, thoughtful, sensitive & shy
He brushed my shoulder, touched my hand
And hugged me for THIRTY seconds as he said goodbye
Well, he's kinda committed but that can't last
He likes me too - said it himself & he can't lie
Oh Good Lord, why won't you cause his girlfriend to die?"

Wily and wise
In love we become otherwise
Usually composed and cool
How do we turn into such romantic fools?

Liberation

She lay there, slightly a-flutter
Reluctant to take the leap and fly
He held her in his boyish hands
And with virgin thrill threw her to the sky

She quivered and she shivered
As the indifferent wind chilled her spine
She sagged back and rested limp where
On the walled terrace, she knew she'd be fine

Worried yet eager, he ran toward her
As if knowing she wanted to be reassured
And he whispered to her confident words
As if knowing he could be heard

Gingerly he released her heaven-ward
And once again firmly tugging, guided her flight
Cajoled, she let the breeze carry her
Cruising, coloured & tasselled, she was a pretty sight

She was gliding, slowly climbing higher
With scaling height, her confidence grew
Overlooking the world, meeting clouds
Buoyant, higher & higher she flew

He caught her eye, as he floated in languor
Majestic as he challenged the skies
And the wind changed course
A karmic conspiracy in disguise

Soon they were eye to eye
They flew side by side
Entangled, they were a riot of colour
She was oblivious to all, except that ride

And then, she was freefalling
Uncertain if this was real or imagined bliss
The same wind, that was once her ally
Now pushing her down to an uncertain abyss

As her paper body was ripped by thorns
She came to realise that she had
Fallen in love
But fallen from grace

He had callously let her plummet
He had brutally cut her strings
But in her fall she was more free
Than she had been in her rise to fame...

Defenseless

Throbbing temples,
Untamed thoughts racing inside my mind,
Trying to break the fences,
Like wild horses kicking up a storm...
An unruly force that won't let my eyes close
Tearless and thoughtful, unblinking eyes
I lie awake...
And wonder...

Wonder about the vague promises you sketched
That my fertile mind converted to colourful masterpieces
Tripping over your artful words
My heart travelled to exotic dreams
Lost now, it weeps
As my brain returns to the black and white sensibility
There's no bright hues to distract
And no gray to tolerate..

The defences that you disintegrated,
With promises that weren't etched in stone
And dreams that weren't bound by a silver ring,
Are up again...
My mind screams,
"You're a million-dollar scam on the front page of a tabloid"
"Bad news," my heart agrees...
"But so hard to ignore," it quietly adds
Smiling now,
Knowing full well it will weep again at another's words

Sonnets of Strife

I would've loved to name this one "Love And Other Disasters" :P

Delicate shoulders shaking,
Eyelids quivering,
A heart-quake is what struck her,
Crumbling the walls of laughter...

A volcanic eruption,
Out of control emotion,
Reason is hard to find,
As ashes of anguish cloud her mind

A tsunami of tears,
A flood of fears,
A drought, feelings devoid,
Disasters even destiny couldn't avoid...

She stands on shores, a battered mass,
Littered with broken glass,
Shattered memories of a surreal past,
Numb now, to a love that couldn't last..

Don't leave her now, I beg of you...

You're like the moon that dispels her dark doubts
Whose gravity can calm the unruly waves of her life
You're like the wind that carries away her shouts
Whose gentle lilt can turn into sonnets her cries of strife...

Castles in the Air

She rested her head on her silky, cool pillow,
In her lavender room, now bathed in an orange glow..
She invited sleep as she laid and curled,
Coz her dreams were more real than her real world..

She wore ribbons in her hair,
And her heart on her sleeve..
And she climbed up a beanstalk-stair,
To reach the castles she built in the air..

Built far away from everyday cries,
Encased in the calm of rose-hued walls,
Away from the turbulence reflected in violet skies,
Of storms brewing from white lies..

Built alongside a lake of feelings, frozen over the years..
Whose thin ice contained dark waters,
As salty as her tears
Running as deep as her fears

Bound by a white picket fence, beside which she'd be sitting,
As gentle breezes brought by promises, soul-mates...
Neither approaching nor acting, simply waiting,
Until the winds of change took em all, left her simply wishing

Garden of hope

Unruly hair
Unblemished skin
Untouched by the world
Bathed in innocence
The morning dew is her companion,
The flowers are her confidants...
She uses the sky as her canvass
To carve shapes with a sprig of grass...



Brilliant eyes
Beautiful lips
Blossoming youth
Learning, feeling, sensing.
The rising moon is her guide,
The setting sun is her secret-keeper...
As she reaches for his hand,
In a starlight symphony as fireflies strike a band...

Withered limbs
Weathered face
Wounded heart
Awaiting autumn...
The darkest night brings hope,
But every dawn brings fear of another lonely dusk...
As she stares at the garden, her youth's spirit-
And makes wishes of eyelashes longing for another visit.

Thirst...

Her throat is parched and her lips are dry
even the sweetest nectar and holiest water can't defy
This unquenching thirst
Born from a lack of words
Lodged in the unreachable depths of a withered heart
They refuse to escape from lips waiting to part

She tries to speak-
Find Some expression, even if it's meek
Of unrequited love
Of unappreciated effort
Of unfaithful friends and loyal foes
Of emotion sapped by unrelenting woes..

Oh! Won't you look into her eyes so hollow
Yet you can see the pain that runs deep, iris steeped in sorrow
One touch will unbreak her
One kind word will unleash the tears
That will dissolve the lump of what's been left unsaid
That will revive a soul that's trapped and near-dead...

The Hearltess Angel

He arrived

Like the first ray of a spring morning’s sun

Quiet yet ambitious

Hoping to light the world

He did hers – with his brilliant thoughts

He – the unaware genius

He made his way into her life

Like the fresh drops of a monsoon shower

Seasonal yet persistent

Quenching the thirst of a parched earth

He revived her life – with his constant company

He – the unwilling saviour

He warned of his departure

Like autumn’s shedding leaves

Slow yet certain

A reminder of empty days and lonely nights

He unravelled her hopes, undid the good

He – the heartless angel

And, now like the cool winds of winter

He moves noiselessly, stealing warmth

His icy coolness leaves her tears frozen

And she is stranded on the verge, the brink

Wanting desperately to summon emotion but unable

He – the unlikely friend

But, he will stay

Like the distant star in the velvet night sky

Aloof yet brightly shining

A glimmer of hope for a weary traveller

He – the reluctant memory

Possessions

These tables around which we would once gather,

To share boisterous chatter and solemn silence...

These windows that liberated the sound of our laughter,

Filled with gaiety you only find in the company of friends.

These walls which were once witness to us living,

Within which toiled and rested, did and dreamt...

These corridors that once echoed our thinking,

As we faltered, fell yet made another attempt.

These roads upon which we once strolled,

Together, step-by-step, hand-in-hand...

These streets which we once explored,

Making our own paths – random and unplanned.

These are symbols of a time gone-by

Reminders of what shaped my being

Though others may now those tables occupy

And through those windows, new eyes are seeing

Within the walls may blossom new lives

And the corridors may carry a different sound

On those same roads, another march arrives

And more unseen streets await to be found...

Though, to my successors these symbols I resign

These memories will forever be mine.

Contradiction

Note: the following post is purely fictional. Any resemblance to any characters or situations in my life is purely coincidental and highly imaginative!

You keep your distance and drive me completely crazy

Yet even the uncertain knowledge of your return makes me calm

I’m independent, but nothing more than a puppet in your palm

The slightest smile makes my words fumble and fall

Yet the smallest twitch of your lips can inspire rhymes

I’m sensible, but with you I’ve lost my mind countless times

Even the mere fleeting feel of your fingers makes my bones melt

But that same tiny touch can warm my heart and comfort my mind

I’m strong, but with you around to all reason I turn blind

You can make me angry, screaming mad

And, you can make me depressed, achingly sad

You are nothing like “THE ONE” from my dreams

But you’re all I need, it seems

Coz only you can say the right words, worries put to ease

And only you can make me laugh, in carefree release

Are you the answer to my prayers?

Or has reality turned to nightmares?

How can you feel so right, when I know you’re wrong?

This is such a contradiction – do you and I belong?

You hold the power to completely break me

But only you can piece me together

I know I can’t live without you

If only I can figure out how to tolerate you forever!

Precarious

I look at the way things stand between us

And I can feel the balance has shifted

It’s so imperceptible that no one else can guess

That a little apart we’ve drifted

I look at the times we’ve shared and the way things are

And I sense a slight new awkwardness

We still talk and laugh and share

But there is that slight shift nonetheless

I know that you’re still a friend I can trust

And I can still feel the love and care

And this balance that has surely shifted seems unjust

I simply hope that it’s not a shift beyond repair

On the other hand...

I look at the way things stand between us

And I can feel the balance has shifted

It’s so imperceptible that no one else can guess

But it’s like the thin veil of doubt has lifted

I look at the times we’ve shared and the way things are

And I sense a slight new closeness

With a lot more ease we now talk and laugh and share

And I’m glad that we’ve made good progress

You’ve become a friend I can trust

And I can now feel the care and love

With you around, life doesn’t seem unjust

I simply hope that I won’t have to say to you the words above 

I Wonder...

I wonder, staring at your picture,

Whatever happened to our grand plans for the future?

But you chose a different life,

And now we’ve grown older.

Should I hold on to those dreams, I wonder...

I wonder, staring at the memory,

Whatever happened to the time when I was young and carefree?

But I chose to be responsible,

And those adventures now seem like a blunder.

Can I atone for my mistakes, I wonder...

I wonder, staring at what I have just written - these lines,

Whatever happened to all my designs?

But I’m still the same person,

And life has made me bolder.

What’s the point of regret, I wonder... 

The Easy Way Out...

Would my life be easier if

I had the courage

to take that smallest step

that could shatter the peaceful mirage?

Would my life be easier if

I had the nerve

to make that difficult decision

that could destroy illusions that others preserve?

Would my life be easier if

I had not one regret

About things said and done

To simply learn and accept, forgive and forget?

Would my life be easier if

I had not one care

About making a wrong move

To simply not let mistakes give me a scare?

Would my life be easier if

I had the strength

to simply breakaway from shackles

that hold me back from going the extra length?

Would my life be easier if

I were a little more selfish

To pave my own path, make my own choices

Live my dreams and do as I wish?

Answers to these I am still looking for

However this I know for sure

Life with all its difficulties isn’t at all bleak

If only the inherent goodness of every moment we seek.

A Different Crossroads

There will be no tearful farewells

There will be no idealistic promises

To remain friends forever

There will be no wistful sighs and no one will cry

This will be a different goodbye!

There will be no clear directions

Only a million different options

Awaiting and beckoning are difficult paths

There will be no comforting beds, no welcoming abodes

This will be a different crossroads...

There will be no looking back

Decisions weighed in white or black

Choosing your own destiny, leading life

There will be no regrets, only living in the moment

This will be a different present.

Surprised...

She’d always dreamt of feeling this way

Yet she never imagined it would be so strong

How could she be afraid of this emotion

She’d been waiting for so long?

She was surprised at the jealousy

That consumed her, hit her hard

Sharp and painful, it cut through her

Like a broken and serrated glass shard

She was surprised at the impatience

Counting down seconds for one call

She hated how time crawled by

As minute by minute her calm facade began to fall

She was surprised at her weakness

At becoming a victim of many a cliché

Neither being able to reign in her emotions

Nor her feelings convey

She was surprised at how her confidence broke

How she couldn’t muster up the courage to simply speak

She was not one to blabber and sputter

She hated how she suddenly felt meek

She was surprised at how easily tears came

When memories tormented her

And the intense yearning she felt

Only surprised her further

She’d always dreamt of feeling this way

Yet she never imagined she would lose all sanity

Lost in the emotion so powerful that it made her weak

How could she be surprised when she’d waited for this an eternity?