Journey

I woke up today morning with a strange longing for the quiet days I spent in the scenic and oddly spiritual hills of McLeodganj. And, then I recounted the evening I was leaving the little place for the big bustling Delhi, the restless night I spent on the bus, and the few lines I penned in a moment of epiphany, that lay untouched and forgotten in a memo on my phone...

The view from the Pink House in McLeodganj

They both sat in silence

Breathing the same air

Staring into the same space

Letting the same world pass them by

The same thoughts toying with their minds

Outwardly calm but tossing and turning within

The same troubles troubling them...

Unspoken, unheard,

Both struggling to make peace

Discussion is futile as expression is hard to find

The questions are the same

But both seek answers in different places

The search for truth may lead them down separate roads

But now united in silence

They travel together down the path of introspection

Shadows

Shuttling through

darkness

no light at the end of this tunnel

yet

hurtling past destinations

blurred images of the past

Destined to be left behind

Memories at Goa's Sinquerim beach

Unknown faces stare out

and when the train slows

they come knocking at the window

a flicker of recognition dawns

looking into their eyes,

reflections of the persons they were once

shadows of old friends

Familiar places

stop by her door

garishly lit

meant to be inviting

but only serving to highlight

the messy roads

littered with rags of ragged memories

Surrendering to

the warm web of words

from the unturned page of the novel

and woven from strains

of a melancholy song

tired of singing its happy tune

over and over again

Not alone in her journey

but surely lonely

distracted by a fancy story telling

lost in the same singular song

creating a cocoon

a safe soundless haven

body heading home

mind escaping to a fantasy

Tomorrow is different

waking up from an unreal reality

to life

that rarely travels in a line

she will try to move off the beaten track

but she will soon make her way back

on life's circular track

this time she may wave back at the staring faces in the window

Life behind purple tinted glasses

In that moment her sunglasses were her best friends.
Tainted emotions that on her heart heavily weighed,
That her treacherous eyes betrayed
Behind purple tinted glasses lay entrapped.

Only hidden, not overcome
Out of sight but choking her mind
Escaping the only way they could find
Through soft tears that hard frames couldn't stop

She freed her hair from its rigid restraints
And she let the wind blow them all out of place
Hoping it would hide her streaked face
As the hurt and pain also fled their confines

He glanced at her in the rearview mirror
And he spied the tears through the futile disguises
And briefly he wondered at what her past comprises
But the mirror could only reflect her tears, not their cause

He realised it wasn't his place to judge or cure,
His only duty was to drive
And hope that she would survive
So he didn't ask why or where but just focused on the road ahead...

Sonnets of Strife

I would've loved to name this one "Love And Other Disasters" :P

Delicate shoulders shaking,
Eyelids quivering,
A heart-quake is what struck her,
Crumbling the walls of laughter...

A volcanic eruption,
Out of control emotion,
Reason is hard to find,
As ashes of anguish cloud her mind

A tsunami of tears,
A flood of fears,
A drought, feelings devoid,
Disasters even destiny couldn't avoid...

She stands on shores, a battered mass,
Littered with broken glass,
Shattered memories of a surreal past,
Numb now, to a love that couldn't last..

Don't leave her now, I beg of you...

You're like the moon that dispels her dark doubts
Whose gravity can calm the unruly waves of her life
You're like the wind that carries away her shouts
Whose gentle lilt can turn into sonnets her cries of strife...

Castles in the Air

She rested her head on her silky, cool pillow,
In her lavender room, now bathed in an orange glow..
She invited sleep as she laid and curled,
Coz her dreams were more real than her real world..

She wore ribbons in her hair,
And her heart on her sleeve..
And she climbed up a beanstalk-stair,
To reach the castles she built in the air..

Built far away from everyday cries,
Encased in the calm of rose-hued walls,
Away from the turbulence reflected in violet skies,
Of storms brewing from white lies..

Built alongside a lake of feelings, frozen over the years..
Whose thin ice contained dark waters,
As salty as her tears
Running as deep as her fears

Bound by a white picket fence, beside which she'd be sitting,
As gentle breezes brought by promises, soul-mates...
Neither approaching nor acting, simply waiting,
Until the winds of change took em all, left her simply wishing

Garden of hope

Unruly hair
Unblemished skin
Untouched by the world
Bathed in innocence
The morning dew is her companion,
The flowers are her confidants...
She uses the sky as her canvass
To carve shapes with a sprig of grass...



Brilliant eyes
Beautiful lips
Blossoming youth
Learning, feeling, sensing.
The rising moon is her guide,
The setting sun is her secret-keeper...
As she reaches for his hand,
In a starlight symphony as fireflies strike a band...

Withered limbs
Weathered face
Wounded heart
Awaiting autumn...
The darkest night brings hope,
But every dawn brings fear of another lonely dusk...
As she stares at the garden, her youth's spirit-
And makes wishes of eyelashes longing for another visit.

A Lifetime...

She stares without seeing,

Looking back at me with unblinking eyes,

That tell secrets wordlessly speaking,

Of trapped ambition or severed ties

Forlorn she stands - unsmiling and speechless

Her lips so arid as laughter has withered away

For a fleeting moment her eyes lose their emptiness

Filled with a fond memory of a forgotten friend or a sunny day

Lonely she stands singular and stoic

Her rigid limbs unmoving, frozen

Even as crowds move around her - thick and quick

Betraying the remnants of arrogance, confidence that once was brazen

Staring back at her – I am trapped in a timeless vacuum –

Face of regret, body of unexpected defeat, aura of gloom

And it is like looking into an eerie mirror

Prophesising a reality far from dreams, of a remorseful future

And I open my eyes

To see the miracle in each second

As the repressed secrets buried in them

Flow like tears down my cheek

I free my ears to catch the beats of life

And the sudden surge of energy

Finds release in the tapping of my feet

My lips twitch upwards in a reluctant smile

As my resolve grows stronger -

What will be, will be

But it won't be from of a lack of trying...

Solitude

I love this time, when in the midst of night

Tomorrow still hasn’t taken flight

Today hasn’t completely died away

Yet, aeons apart seem memories of yesterday

I love this time, when all is bathed in black

My little room dimly lit, the darkness glares back

Bright lights of the day have all but slowly drowned

The sky decorated with stars, with the moon crowned

I love this time, when all is quiet

A contrast to the long routine riot

Photo Courtesy: Kumar Jhuremalani

Left alone, I do as my heart pleases

Encouraged by the wispy, cool breezes

I love this time, when every eye is rested

And, I’m awake, alone, alive – emancipated

Undisturbed I am, with no one to pry

Yet secure, that they will awaken with my cry

And I love this time, as I sit peacefully,

Gathering my thoughts in a heap

Dreams await me, beckoning me...

Yet, I refuse to give in to sleep

How I Overcame Being a Monophobic!

I shopped alone... I SHOPPED alone... I shopped ALONE...

Well, what is the big deal, you ask?? Well, maybe it’s no big deal for you... But for me it is... You see, I had this thing against being alone; I craved company... Even if it was just to go across the street to pick up groceries, I would take along my phone and speed-dial my best friend. It didn’t matter that the conversation ended even before it began... 

I hated being alone 

And I could never figure out people who ate out in restaurants alone or shopped alone or watched movies in theatres alone. “Something has to be wrong with them” is what I thought... But, the weirdness lay not in them but in me... And my first ever flashback post (I am greatly inspired by How I Met Your Mother!) will tell you how I became and overcame being a MONOPHOBIC! True Story...

Well kids, my father seldom lectures – he simply bundles up all of his opinions & lessons in a single saying that leaves you feeling ashamed & enlightened at the same time. For instance, when I was a kid, instead of nagging at me to study, he would merely stare down at me from his 6 ft 2 inch elevation and say, “those who want by the yard, but try by the inch should be kicked by the foot.” Of course, then I was too young to truly appreciate the pun and obviously it did not have the desired effect. At the time, I would usually just dissolve into giggling fits that disturbed my insufferably studious younger brother, thus inviting my mother’s nagging!

BUT, there was one such “truism” that my father once very wisely told me when I complained to him about being bored. He bent his long neck to stare down at me and maybe he smiled (but the moustache hid it!) and said, “One who is bored in one’s own company is boring in the company of others”.

Well, from that day forward, I did all in my power to avoid being bored... I did not dare utter the words, “I’m bored” EVER, let alone in the presence of my father, for fear of being perceived as uninteresting.

I tried to wipe out that phrase from my memory... If it ever crept into my mind, I would run to find my friends. Failing that, I would bug my brother and after being nagged against doing so, I would find my Books to read or diary to write in. And after my parents were safely out of earshot or asleep, I would sneak up to the telephone and talk! BUT in my bid to remain un-boring I had turned into someone who was afraid of being alone, afraid that I would be bored in my own company, afraid that I would turn into a boring old lady with cats who kids laughed at and grown-ups avoided... And, I couldn’t let that happen – after all I hate cats!

Well, what can I say? I’d become a MONOPHOBIC – basically, a person with an abnormal fear of being alone... Well, I wasn’t that far beyond help to become a case study in psychology, but one fateful day I realised that if I did not check this “craving for company” then I would probably need medication for this condition called “being pathetic”... This is what happened on the day, realisation hit me...

I was about to step out to begin my journey around the city. I had a pretty long list of errands to finish for my family... I was all dressed up and I was all alone. Well, being alone was not for a lack of trying... I did all I could... I called every friend and relative whose number I had in my contact list and at the end of half a day I was left with an expensive phone bill, no company and many handy excuses –
“I have work”;
“I have college”;
“I have other plans”;
“I can’t get out of the meeting – Boss’s orders”;
“I can’t get out of the house – Mom’s orders”;
“I can’t get out of the bed – Doctor’s orders”;

“I’m not in the mood”;
“I’m not in the city”;
“Sorry! Wrong Number...”


Oh well, I would just have to face this big bad world on my own then... I would just have to fight my demons and I checked to see if I had my weapons to aid in my battle against my fears... I peered into my large, overstuffed bag...My phone, fully charged; My Novel, newly purchased; my iPod, recently updated and also charged; 3 bars of chocolate; Notebook and pen – Check!

Well, I was armed and ready and out I stepped... And, no sooner had I done that, than I was attacked by a rather strong army of aloneness... So, out came my shield and sword, my iPod and phone, all set to bravely attack the soldiers of loneliness. I spoke on the phone, with no care for the ever increasing bill, with no fear of mother’s nagging when she saw it and with no heed to what my father might wisely utter while paying it! I spoke on my phone to each of those people who had given me those pathetic excuses. I spoke on the phone and listened to music while walking on the road and waiting in queues and getting squashed in trains... I spoke on the phone and listened to music till the battery of both laid down their lives and died! Then, I beat a hasty retreat into the fantasy world to escape the warriors of boredom who were slowly gaining on me... And I read not removing my eyes from the book until my whole body hurt from a series of bumps into people and trees, narrowly missing falling into a pothole, almost stepping onto a dog, and nearly walking into an auto rickshaw... That is when I finally put aside my book and that is when reality hit me...

With my defences spent, I realised what a sorry figure I cut. My clothes were crumpled from the bumping and pushing and travelling, my hair was a mess, my body aching from the day-long running around, my posture bent and tired... I was trying too hard to escape being alone... I was trying to escape ME, I thought to myself... People around me were travelling alone, eating alone, shopping alone and I even spied a well-dressed man TALKING alone... Well, being alone can’t be so bad can it, I considered... I mean, if others can, I should be able to do it too... And so I did...

I stopped trying hard to be un-alone... I looked around, taking in the sights and sounds of this city I call home, I smiled at passers-by and exchanged a few words with co-travellers, and I enjoyed the view as I travelled back home... And I realised being bored had nothing to do with being alone...

And since that day, I have discovered the many joys of being alone... Alone at home, I can do as I please – sleep as late as I like, eat chocolates for breakfast and cake for lunch, play music so loud that I can’t hear the doorbell, dance or hop or sing or shout – It is the bestest thing ever!

And my favourite kind of walk is the one I take with my books and iPod... No! No! It’s different this time... Here, I walk to my library with my books in an environmentally friendly jute bag and my iPod, playing soft music, for company... I take in the scenery as I walk – the trees, the quaint Church, the river. (And for those of you, who think it’s nothing but an oversized sewer, go for a walk alone and take along your imagination and leave behind for judgemental ways!)

And the ultimate achievement, of course, has been the fact that I SHOPPED ALONE...! Alone – with no one to ask for an opinion, with no extra pair of eyes looking out for goodies, with no disapproving looks or appreciative glances. I shopped alone and I loved every moment of it...

Freaks-of-nature-who-eat-and-shop-and-watch-movies-in-theatres­-alone... I am one of you now! Rejoice!

The Brilliance of a Hidden Diamond

Triumph shared, in defeat crushed alone
Praise for all, criticism is your own
Joys spread, sorrows singularly borne
Expectations of others, regrets to you only known

Efforts by many, passion yours alone
Moments spent with others, cherished memories your own
Doubts cast by all, hope in you sown
Dejection crippled many, ambition and dreams yours to hone

The world blind to the inner zone
The real side to all, but us, unknown
Stones everywhere, but a hidden diamond brilliantly shone
Lost in a crowd, a PERSON grown

Banishing Boredom...

I now seem to be best pals with boredom
My constant companion it has become

It accompanies me in every waking moment
Thanks to it I know many a meaningless thing
Like the capital of Uzbekistan is Tashkent!

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia
Denotes a deep fear of long words
It is boredom who introduced me to this ironic idea

But, Boredom can be quite the opposite of fun
It has the knack of depressing me
Nothing seems interesting, good cheer comes undone

Boredom is the restlessness in my fingers
As I flick buttons on the TV remote
So that no channel lingers

Boredom is the curiosity in my mind
As I flip to the end of the book prematurely
A happily ever after to hopefully find

Boredom is the constant distraction
That makes me stare at the computer for hours
Accomplishing nothing, leading no work to completion

Boredom is the absent mindedness
That makes me twirl the telephone wire
While conversations with friends digress

I’ve had enough of this
Be gone oh Boredom!
If it is to be it is up to me, I realize
The day will be what I want it to become

The pen is mightier than the sword they say
I pick it up to fight away my once friend – now nemesis
I will not sit idle – I will make the most of my day
Goodbye to boredom, there will no longer be ignorant bliss.

Befriending Boredom...

I wake up each morning in ignorant bliss
I know not what the day will become,
I am neither happy nor am I glum.

I have nothing to look back on;
I have nothing to look forward to…
I go through the motions, knowing not what to do

I have naught on my agenda –
I take things as they come; I go with the flow
I have neither wish nor will, neither worry nor woe

I live in the present moment;
I live for the present moment…
I care not for the troubles of the world…

No thoughts flow to the future;
I do not make a single plan…
I don’t know where the day will end; I don’t know where it began!

No thoughts stray to the past;
In nostalgia I do not wallow,
Some unkonwn, uncharted path I seem to unconciously follow

In music I seek solace,
In meaningless chatter I find comfort
I see no point in making any other effort…

The day passes by slowly,
Time makes an unhurried progress
Lost I am in nothingness…

Soon the light will fade;
Yet another dreary day will end
Yet another day will dawn for boredom to befriend…