Showing posts with label Memories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Memories. Show all posts

There goes my hero...

Friends, family and acquaintances have always teased me about, what they call, my school-girl crush. I do not have a crush on Rahul Dravid. I have never had one. What I have is a deep admiration – for the gentleman he has shown he is and for the epitome of sportsmanship he has emerged to be.

This isn’t going to be a tribute to the cricketer. What can I say that the stats and awards do not already underline; what can be written that hasn’t already been eloquently captured by authors, commentators and experts. Instead, this is just a heartfelt tribute to my favourite sportsperson, whose decade-old picture I still have stowed away in my wallet. 

It might be a bit of a ramble, I’ll warn you of that.

As I start to write this, it is the midst of IPL season. The Mumbai Indians have just ended their innings with a score of 202 in 20 overs – a score that the commentators have already declared a tough ask. My dad has teasingly nudged me asking me how Rajasthan Royals expect to maintain a run rate of 10 per over with Rahul Dravid opening. I show some bluster, quite unlike my idol; I look at the TV and throw some words of encouragement at my team, almost begging them to win, as the camera pans scenes of the dug-out, waiting for the start of the second innings, even as my brother scoffs at me. “Sulker,” he says and smirks.

He isn’t completely off the mark. I have cried while watching matches. I may cry later tonight, too. That possibility certainly can’t be ruled out, no matter how much lip service I give my family. 

Or, I may do a mad, demented victory dance and shake the walls! Depending, of course on the outcome of the match.

But even as I predict my emotional volatility, I can say with reasonable certainty that Rahul Dravid will be as composed as ever. Irrespective of the outcome of the match, win or lose, he will step out at the end, take responsibility, give due credit and commendation, acknowledge compliments and praise with an embarrassed laugh. He will take a bow with dignity and quiet pride.

One evening 17 years ago, I remember sitting down with my dad, as he watched the test match at Lord’s, which would introduce to the world two icons of the game. The match has been (and, probably always will be) remembered for Sourav Ganguly pounding his way to smashing century, scoring the highest runs by any batsman on his debut at the Mecca of cricket.

Later, as parents, housing society uncles and silly schoolgirls went gaga over Ganguly, I remember resolving that I would make the quiet gentleman with boyish good looks, who missed his debut century by only 5 runs, my "favourite cricketer"! And, this fact I reiterated in countless scrapbooks, writing his name in coloured inks and drawing little hearts around it.


A year after his debut, I begged my dad to gift me a poster of Rahul Dravid. I stuck it on the inside of my cupboard since my mother was adamant that she would preserve the walls from the horrors of cello-tape.

The poster has captured Rahul Dravid, with a shy, reluctant smile and a sweaty brow. (He did sweat a lot, didn't he?!) And, he has smiled at me ever since, never fading with time, quietly watching the contents of the cupboard evolve from crayons and ribbons to notebooks and novels. Now, the cupboard is home to torn pages from diaries chronicling my girlhood - scraps of paper that contain excited rants about Rahul Dravid's stellar performances, disappointed lines berating the times he failed to perform, silly rhymes worshipping him.

The poster has remained there, slightly worn at the edges, tearing slightly at the top, but still resolutely stuck to the wooden door. In many ways Rahul Dravid, the cricketer, is much like that poster - resolute, charming and a survivor, seldom showing-off and quietly smiling at detractors and fans alike.

There was something about the quiet young man, the way he came, did his job well and smiled on even as his flashier counterpart walked away with the headlines. For the first ever time, that year, I picked up a newspaper and flipped first to the sports page. 

In hindsight, I can say with some confidence, that there was something about his countenance that inspired trust; that gave you this “Main hoon na” kind of reassuring vibe. Like the best-friend-underdog-hero who you’re rooting for to win the girl at the end of the movie. I’ve always been a sucker for that stereotype.

He did remain the classic Mr. Nice Guy, Mr. Dependable through his career, playing his classy, stylish, reassuring game under the shadow of many Indian and international super-stars. But, when adversity came as it inevitably does, the quintessential twist in the tale, he stood firm, earning and justifying his epithet. The Wall. As a batsman he was ridiculed for being slow (in winning situations, the same style was referred to as being dependable). He came under fire as vice-captain when his captain was mired in conspiracy, and again later as captain when his tactics were sometimes criticized to tatters, as a one-time icon player who was passed over by his team at an IPL auction, as a leader on whose watch teammates were accused and found guilty of corruption. However, his stoic silence, a refusal to fall prey to personal criticism or impassioned yet fluent outbursts in defense of the very spirit of the game have reinforced my quixotic ideals.

I have often joked that in hard times I ask myself “What would Rahul Dravid do?” That really wouldn’t be such a bad guiding principle to live by.

Ghosts of her past

hand prints
A hidden key, a rusty lock,
Unused and abandoned,
But still right where she had left them,
Just like the ghosts of her past

A withered flower
Hidden betwixt pages
Of a dog-eared diary
On which were scribbled words
Describing emotions she could no longer summon

A colorless picture
In a worn out frame
Hanging on a faded wall
Captured in a candid moment
A recollection she would rather forget

A clock, now, quite dead
Upon a mantlepiece
Its quiet digits betraying a time
Outside her memory
Its life had continued without her

A few words of love
In a yellow letter
With a hint of romance
The resilient prose had stayed,
Keeping the promise their maker had disregarded

A solitary teardrop
A lonely descent
That disturbed the dust
Which had rearranged itself
To cover bygone tracks

Imprints of a home that once was
Tell-tale signs in obscure corners
Of a life that once was
The forlorn room
Lit by the rays escaping through the broken window

Shattered panes
Shards of glass
Held together by each other
She dared not move them lest they cut her
Instead she smiled at it and a million reflections smiled back
Just like the ghosts of her past!

Invaluable


Like the pair of stilettos,
that once adorned her resilient feet,
lending them grace and softness...
As she stood in them,
tall and straight,
the world looked up to her
and she stared back at life,
a smile on her lips and challenge in her eyes...

They had walked with her through the mundane,
and when she danced her happy-dance,
they tapped in rhythmic joy,
and when she sat on the cold floor,
with her knees pulled close to her chest,
they caught her salty tears...

Now they lay in a forgotten corner
fighting age as it tried to steal their glory...

Like the ornate wrist watch
that once hung loosely along her wrist,
kissing palms that were garralous with destiny.
Always her steadfast companion,
not begrudging her for all the good times it was ignored,
for it hated being a villain like the clock
that struck 12 in cinderella's story.
So it would try to stop its steady advance,
Failing always, merely a puppet strung by fate...

It was always the first thing she turned to,
when she awoke blue and dazed,
in the midst of a blue night...
Now sitting atop a dusty cabinet
Rusty and unmoving...

Hands almost meeting but not quite,
it was always almost-12...

Looking at these old objects
She smiled in memory at their little conspiracy,
that night 13 years ago,
when atop a terrace with lights that outshone the million stars
she had twirled and spun and swayed to an endless tune
till her faithful pair of high-heels gave way,
sending her falling into his arms
and as he broke her fall and cradled her shaking body
her watch in a heroic act, froze in motion,
forever preserving that pure moment...

Old now, worthless they lay
But as long as they brought that playful smile to her weathered face
They would forever remain invaluable!

Defenseless


Throbbing temples,
Untamed thoughts racing inside my mind,
Trying to break the fences,
Like wild horses kicking up a storm...
An unruly force that won't let my eyes close
Tearless and thoughtful, unblinking eyes
I lie awake...
And wonder...

Wonder about the vague promises you sketched
That my fertile mind converted to colourful masterpieces
Tripping over your artful words
My heart travelled to exotic dreams
Lost now, it weeps
As my brain returns to the black and white sensibility
There's no bright hues to distract
And no gray to tolerate..

The defences that you disintegrated,
With promises that weren't etched in stone
And dreams that weren't bound by a silver ring,
Are up again...
My mind screams,
"You're a million-dollar scam on the front page of a tabloid"
"Bad news," my heart agrees...
"But so hard to ignore," it quietly adds
Smiling now,
Knowing full well it will weep again at another's words

Sonnets of Strife


I would've loved to name this one "Love And Other Disasters" :P

Delicate shoulders shaking,
Eyelids quivering,
A heart-quake is what struck her,
Crumbling the walls of laughter...

A volcanic eruption,
Out of control emotion,
Reason is hard to find,
As ashes of anguish cloud her mind

A tsunami of tears,
A flood of fears,
A drought, feelings devoid,
Disasters even destiny couldn't avoid...

She stands on shores, a battered mass,
Littered with broken glass,
Shattered memories of a surreal past,
Numb now, to a love that couldn't last..

Don't leave her now, I beg of you...

You're like the moon that dispels her dark doubts
Whose gravity can calm the unruly waves of her life
You're like the wind that carries away her shouts
Whose gentle lilt can turn into sonnets her cries of strife...

Garden of hope


Unruly hair
Unblemished skin
Untouched by the world
Bathed in innocence
The morning dew is her companion,
The flowers are her confidants...
She uses the sky as her canvass
To carve shapes with a sprig of grass...

Crystalline Memories

Brilliant eyes
Beautiful lips
Blossoming youth
Learning, feeling, sensing.
The rising moon is her guide,
The setting sun is her secret-keeper...
As she reaches for his hand,
In a starlight symphony as fireflies strike a band...

Withered limbs
Weathered face
Wounded heart
Awaiting autumn...
The darkest night brings hope,
But every dawn brings fear of another lonely dusk...
As she stares at the garden, her youth's spirit-
And makes wishes of eyelashes longing for another visit.

Thirst...

Her throat is parched and her lips are dry
even the sweetest nectar and holiest water can't defy
This unquenching thirst
Born from a lack of words
Lodged in the unreachable depths of a withered heart
They refuse to escape from lips waiting to part

She tries to speak-
Find Some expression, even if it's meek
Of unrequited love
Of unappreciated effort
Of unfaithful friends and loyal foes
Of emotion sapped by unrelenting woes..

Oh! Won't you look into her eyes so hollow
Yet you can see the pain that runs deep, iris steeped in sorrow
One touch will unbreak her
One kind word will unleash the tears
That will dissolve the lump of what's been left unsaid
That will revive a soul that's trapped and near-dead...

The Hearltess Angel


He arrived
Like the first ray of a spring morning’s sun
Quiet yet ambitious
Hoping to light the world
He did hers – with his brilliant thoughts
He – the unaware genius

He made his way into her life
Like the fresh drops of a monsoon shower
Seasonal yet persistent
Quenching the thirst of a parched earth
He revived her life – with his constant company
He – the unwilling saviour

He warned of his departure
Like autumn’s shedding leaves
Slow yet certain
A reminder of empty days and lonely nights
He unravelled her hopes, undid the good
He – the heartless angel

And, now like the cool winds of winter
He moves noiselessly, stealing warmth
His icy coolness leaves her tears frozen
And she is stranded on the verge, the brink
Wanting desperately to summon emotion but unable
He – the unlikely friend

But, he will stay
Like the distant star in the velvet night sky
Aloof yet brightly shining
A glimmer of hope for a weary traveller
He – the reluctant memory

A Lifetime...


She stares without seeing,
Looking back at me with unblinking eyes,
That tell secrets wordlessly speaking,
Of trapped ambition or severed ties

Forlorn she stands - unsmiling and speechless
Her lips so arid as laughter has withered away
For a fleeting moment her eyes lose their emptiness
Filled with a fond memory of a forgotten friend or a sunny day

Lonely she stands singular and stoic
Her rigid limbs unmoving, frozen
Even as crowds move around her - thick and quick
Betraying the remnants of arrogance, confidence that once was brazen

Staring back at her – I am trapped in a timeless vacuum –
Face of regret, body of unexpected defeat, aura of gloom
And it is like looking into an eerie mirror
Prophesising a reality far from dreams, of a remorseful future

And I open my eyes
To see the miracle in each second
As the repressed secrets buried in them
Flow like tears down my cheek
I free my ears to catch the beats of life
And the sudden surge of energy
Finds release in the tapping of my feet
My lips twitch upwards in a reluctant smile
As my resolve grows stronger -
What will be, will be
But it won't be from of a lack of trying...

Possessions


These tables around which we would once gather,
To share boisterous chatter and solemn silence...
These windows that liberated the sound of our laughter,
Filled with gaiety you only find in the company of friends.

These walls which were once witness to us living,
Within which toiled and rested, did and dreamt...
These corridors that once echoed our thinking,
As we faltered, fell yet made another attempt.

These roads upon which we once strolled,
Together, step-by-step, hand-in-hand...
These streets which we once explored,
Making our own paths – random and unplanned.

These are symbols of a time gone-by
Reminders of what shaped my being
Though others may now those tables occupy
And through those windows, new eyes are seeing
Within the walls may blossom new lives
And the corridors may carry a different sound
On those same roads, another march arrives
And more unseen streets await to be found...
Though, to my successors these symbols I resign
These memories will forever be mine.

Precarious


I look at the way things stand between us
And I can feel the balance has shifted
It’s so imperceptible that no one else can guess
That a little apart we’ve drifted

I look at the times we’ve shared and the way things are
And I sense a slight new awkwardness
We still talk and laugh and share
But there is that slight shift nonetheless

I know that you’re still a friend I can trust
And I can still feel the love and care
And this balance that has surely shifted seems unjust
I simply hope that it’s not a shift beyond repair

On the other hand...

I look at the way things stand between us
And I can feel the balance has shifted
It’s so imperceptible that no one else can guess
But it’s like the thin veil of doubt has lifted

I look at the times we’ve shared and the way things are
And I sense a slight new closeness
With a lot more ease we now talk and laugh and share
And I’m glad that we’ve made good progress

You’ve become a friend I can trust
And I can now feel the care and love
With you around, life doesn’t seem unjust
I simply hope that I won’t have to say to you the words above 

I Wonder...


I wonder, staring at your picture,
Whatever happened to our grand plans for the future?
But you chose a different life,
And now we’ve grown older.
Should I hold on to those dreams, I wonder...

I wonder, staring at the memory,
Whatever happened to the time when I was young and carefree?
But I chose to be responsible,
And those adventures now seem like a blunder.
Can I atone for my mistakes, I wonder...

I wonder, staring at what I have just written - these lines,
Whatever happened to all my designs?
But I’m still the same person,
And life has made me bolder.
What’s the point of regret, I wonder... 

A Different Crossroads

There will be no tearful farewells
There will be no idealistic promises
To remain friends forever
There will be no wistful sighs and no one will cry
This will be a different goodbye!

There will be no clear directions
Only a million different options
Awaiting and beckoning are difficult paths
There will be no comforting beds, no welcoming abodes
This will be a different crossroads...

There will be no looking back
Decisions weighed in white or black
Choosing your own destiny, leading life
There will be no regrets, only living in the moment
This will be a different present.

The Little Things in Life...


We try so hard to live by the ideal of “Plan like you were to live forever; but live like you were to die tomorrow”. But it isn’t always that simple, is it? Being optimistic, yet not losing touch of reality; Being enthusiastic, yet remaining practical. The cliché of living in the moment is easier said than done... Because circumstances change and people do not remain the same; friendships fade away and new opportunities seldom come without newer challenges...

Sometimes, LIFE, this moment to moment existence in the face of such cynicism, just bogs you down so much that it is very easy to simply forget your spirit, your reason for being... And, lately I’ve been a frequent flyer to that not-so-cheerful place I hate so much. But, it is in times like these that the numerous little things come together to be my anchor that holds me above water, stops me from sinking into the abyss of depression...

The little things that bring me great joy...

When I feel so lost that I’m a stranger in my own home,
I listen to the peals of the wind chime
And it fills my heart with melodies.
I gaze at the pictures on the walls,
Moments captured for an eternal time,
And it fills my head with memories.

When I feel so lonely that I’m alone in a crowd,
I see the nameless, unfamiliar faces,
And exchange knowing glances, few words, shared smiles
I look at life as it moves on around me, thrives...
Till the beauty returns to empty spaces;
As does the spring in my steps that can carry me for miles.

When I feel like I’ve lost the reason to laugh,
I remember thoughtful messages and long conversations,
A telepathic connection and the unexpected call,
The sweet words of support & stern words of rebuke
Bring to mind the many friends and relations,
All a reminder of bonds that will never fall.


When I feel like I cannot go on
I head out for a walk, letting my feet chart their directions
Under a refreshing breeze, collecting my thoughts
When it seems like there is no purpose to life,
I pull out my bucket list and rediscover my ambitions,
Rediscovering the passion that once seemed lost.

In life things seldom are the way they seem...
Sometimes happy moments may seem far and few.
But when life seems like nothing but a lie,
And reality appears to be an illusion...
Look at the little things to remind you,
That life is as beautiful as the rainbow in the sky.

To be a Child Again...


When I was a child, I had many ideas about the ways of life. And, I was convinced that they were all true. Until, I would inadvertently blurt it out in front of an all-knowing adult, who would invariably give me kids-are-so-dumb-but-cute smile and pat my head and dispel my illusions...

Well, what do they know? These adults! If they all still thought like innocent children, the world would be a better place to live in... Allow me to illustrate, at the risk of embarrassing myself, with the help of two illustrations...

Disclaimer: I WAS JUST ONLY A CHILD... keep that in mind.... (Almost rhymed!)

When I was a kid, I always thought that as I grew older, my parents would grow younger! And I always imagined, me crossing the road, holding my kid-sized parents’ hands... The only problem with this scenario was that 6ft-2inch-dad-with-a-beard is fine, but it was rather absurd to imagine 2ft-6inch-dad-with-a-beard. And if I remember right, what burst my little bubble was when I questioned my mother about how that was possible...

But come to think of it, isn’t that what happens in reality? People, as they grow old, really do become like children, in need of constant care and lots of love and pampering...? And, isn’t it our duty to care for our aging parents... Not totally wrong, was I? A little excessive and absurd in the imagination, but the thought was bang-on, right?!

I also believed, as a child, that everyone who spoke English, was somehow like me, from the same “group”... The concept of different religions, different castes just didn’t strike me as being noteworthy. Of course, what contributed to this idea is the fact that one half of my family was Catholic and the other half Hindu, yet they could all speak English and they were all, put together, MY FAMILY... So, I didn’t think much of the fact that some of my friends went to temples instead of Church, like me. Or, the fact that more than half of my classmates would study “Moral Science” while some of us would make our way to a different classroom to learn “Religion”. I mean, at the end of it all, we were all taught the same things...
“Thou shall not tell lies”;
“Thou shall not talk in class”
“Thou shall not get into fights”
“Thou shall finish your homework on time”
“Thou shall not ruin new clothes by playing in mud or by spilling food on it”

And, isn’t this the premise of “Religious Tolerance” - respecting diverse religious ideologies, accepting it, even overlooking it, appreciating that we are all one nationality and that there is more overpowering creed – that of Humanity.

Well, not every innocent thing I thought as a kid was necessarily smart though. Like, I very earnestly and fearfully believed that if you took Benadryll when you didn’t have a cough, you would most definitely get a cough...!

But, my only point is that a child’s mind is by far the purest and most innocent thing ever... And if we can preserve even a fraction of that despite our crazy hectic lives, the world would be a better place to live in! (World Peace! *Pause* I need to adjust my crown!)

So, what do you get when you take my recent recollections of my childish ideas and add to it the contemplative mood I’ve been in? Anyone? Anyone? A poem of, course! I know! It’s been loooooong since I posted one...

(Note: I’m tired of saying “depressed”... It connotes such a miserable state of mind. I shall now use the term contemplative denoting a quiet and reflective mood!). Ok, so enough rambling, here goes:

Where are the days
Of carefree laughter
Buried under the sands of time
Whatever happened to happily ever after?

Oh Lord, to you I pray,
Let me be a child once more
To see the beauty in each day
To discover joy in every moment

Where are the promises
Made to ever be together
Broken to pieces like shattered glass
Unable to face the stormy weather

Oh Lord, I plead to You
Let me be a kid one more time
So that sincerity reflects in all I do
So that pure-hearted in my pursuits I may be

Where are the million plans
To enjoy, have fun
Blown away by winds of change
They unravel, come undone

Oh Lord, it’s my heartfelt behest
Make me a child again
That I may set out on every quest
Fearlessly, taking life by the collar


Ok.. tata now, time for my milk and cookies!

Oooh! worm! maybe, i'll put him in a bottle and name him Pintoo!

Here's to the kid in all of us!!

Waiting for Santa...


I remember scenes of a time long past -
Memories of a far away winter night,
As my parents wish me sweet dreams,
Instructing me to sleep tight!
They carefully tuck me in and give me a peck on my cheek,
I pretend to have dozed off but I am still aware
As the lights go off & the door closes with a creak.

It’s Christmas time - the merry festive season,

And I can barely sleep – Santa is the reason!
I can’t wait to draw the curtains and sneak a peep,
But I know I have to patiently wait till my parents are asleep!

My fidgety eyes glance around the dark room -

To check that all is in order - Santa will be visiting soon.
The adorned tree first I admire,
Decked with trinkets in red, gold and sapphire!
With pretty wreaths and bells the walls are decorated,
An angel watches over the solemn crib, while Santa’s arrival is eagerly awaited.
Soon, I realize that the house is quiet and dark
The only light that shines comes from the star hung in the window
On my night-long vigil I can now fearlessly embark,
My parents are finally asleep, I know!

All too soon my covers are shoved aside

And I rush to push open the drape
And behind the curtains I hide,
To stare out into the cool landscape!
I can see little lights in homes glimmering
And can hear the distant hum of a Christmas Carol
As The stars in the night sky are shimmering
I await Santa’s imminent arrival.

I tire of sitting by the window,

It's way past midnight but he still hasn’t come
I refuse to let my spirits dip low
I find other things to keep me from growing glum!
My Kitchen Set and Pretty Doll keep me busy for awhile,
Santa got me those for last Christmas, you know…
He’ll be proud of me - I’ve cared for them in style!

More time goes by with no sign of Santa,

And I soon tire of my toys.
I sneak into the kitchen to get some sweets,
I’m very careful to make no noise!
I assure myself that Santa will overlook this little act
As I slowly devour the marzipan and chocolate.
I’ve been a very good girl all year round – and that’s a fact!
I pretend to be a fairy with my sheets draped around me,
But that doesn’t keep me busy for too long.
I wonder what I should do next while I wait for Santa…
I sing a few Carols, hum a happy song!

But that doesn’t lift my spirits…

Soon I’m too weary but Santa still isn’t here…
I lose the battle against sleep and my tired eyes given in.
I lose myself in a fretful dream – Santa won’t come I fear.

Every Christmas eve till I was 11 years old was spent quite the same way. I’d first frantically wait for my parents to fall asleep and then I’d wait frantically for Santa to arrive on his sleigh with Rudolph the red-nose reindeer leading the entourage of reindeers! I’d imagine Santa, in his bright red suit with his bright red big goodie bag, trying to squeeze through the box-grills that protected our windows -not half as exciting as shimmying down a chimney, I agree! But unfortunately sleep would arrive before Santa each year.


In the mornings, however, I’d wake to the sounds of Christmas carols and my parents cooing “Merry Christmas” to me. And the first sights that I would take in would be my little brother happily playing with his new toys with the colourful wrapping paper littered around him. That’s when I’d realise happily that Santa had not given our humble home a miss this year! I really must’ve been a good girl!


Now, however, that I am older and mature with all the wisdom gained from reading Paulo Coelho, I know how silly and futile it was to wait for Santa each Christmas.


Of course Santa isn’t real? Or is he???


I think Santa does exist… only he doesn’t live in the North Pole – he resides within each one of us – in our inherent goodness! And we don’t need to wait for Christmas in order to make someone’s day. We can do it anytime – a smile, a polite request, a heartfelt thank you, a sincere apology, a kind word, a pep talk, a silly joke, a thoughtful act, a sweet surprise… Ho! Ho! Ho!